16. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

15. You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

14. When someone asks, “How are you?” you say, “Good to the last drop.”

13. People can test their batteries in your ears.

12. People get dizzy just watching you.

11. All your kids are named Joe.

10. You can type sixty words a minute . . . with your feet.

9. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

8. You lick your coffee pot clean.

7. The only time you’re standing still is in an earthquake.

6. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

5. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

4. You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.

3. You sleep with your eyes open.

2. You answer the door before people knock.

1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.